With so many ridiculous accusations aimed at Mitt by his rivals in both the Republican and Democratic parties, it takes all of us to stay on top of them. Mitt’s rivals keep throwing stuff against the wall hoping something will stick, and hopefully this article will be useful (and humorous) to you should anyone accuse Mitt of putting a bunch of companies into bankruptcy and laying off workers for profit. Mike Sage from America Needs Mitt has uncovered a letter from one of President Obama’s servants that I think all of you will enjoy. With his gracious permission, we have included all of it below. If you need a little help speaking like a pirate, watch this clip. (Beware, the language can be a little saucy.)
Secret Message by Courier to His Majesty, King Obama the First, from His loyal spy, Picaroon Rumfustian, upon the Privateer Ship Bain:
Forgive me fer sayin’ so, Your Majesty, but I be thinkin’ ’tis better to attack the evil brigand, Captain Mitt, where he is weak, rather than where he be strong. A broadside on Captain Mitt’s business record ’tis like attacking the tip of a pirate’s cutlass with your forehead.
In port, th’ town criers be sayin’ that Captain Mitt be a corporate raider who used leveraged buy-outs to “loot resources, lay-off thousands, and drive companies into bankruptcy.” If that be th’ same as makin’ ‘em all walk th’ plank, then I be obliged to say, ’tis unlikely, Sir. Here be the four bankruptcies that ye be wantin’ Captain Mitt and the brigands of the Privateer Ship Bain t’ be answerin’ fer:
1. American Pad and Paper (Ampad) – bought by Bain in 1992, went bankrupt in 2000. (8 years later)
2. Stage Stores – bought by Bain in 1988, went bankrupt in 2000. (12 years later)
3. GS Industries – bought by Bain in 1993, went bankrupt in 2001. (8 years later)
4. Dynamic Details – bought by Bain in 1997, went bankrupt in 2003. (6 years later)
Now, Sir, I hopes ye don’t think me a scurvy foul blaggart fer sayin’ so, but methinks that four failures out of over 400 investments by Bain be an amazin’ success rate that any venture capitalist would be willin’ to kill fer. Fer the sake of argument, if we be assumin’ fer the moment that their 99% success rate be just a cover for their nefarious goal o’ deep-sixin’ these four companies, then there be a question as obvious as th’ mizzen-mast: Why did they wait an average of 8 years before doin’ so? Why not start the corporate rapin’ and pillagin’ immediately after the boardin’ party took over?
Avast! All four of th’ companies were sent to Davey Jones’ locker in th’ same three-year period! I’ve heard scuttlebutt ’round the poopdeck that March 2000 were th’ beginnins’ of the foul “Dot Com” bubble crash, which wert followed up in 2001 by th’ 9/11 attacks, which sent our economy even further into dangerous waters. ‘Tis well-known that the severe recession that began in early 2000 didn’t end until mid-2003. ‘Tis truth, that for the Bain buccaneers, this economic downturn could have provided perfect cover for their diabolical plot to make these firms walk the plank into insolvency! Mayhaps, this ought be th’ story ye should stick to, as there may well be simpletons and drunks who’ll believe it, iffin ye be lucky!
Sir, pay nought attention to the fact that Bain specialized in buying troubled companies, many of which would’ve been well on their way to the sea bottom without any help whatsoever from the crew of the Bain.
And, ne’er ye mind that any investment firm that developed a reputation for scuttling the companies it invested in would last ‘nay longer than a peg-legged swimmer in a school o’ sharks, that be fer sure.
Belay any thought that the Securities and Exchange Commission regulates and must approve many mergers and acquisitions of this sort, or that injured partners and shareholders would have hauled Captain Mitt and the crew of the Bain into court to be keel-hauled, drawn, and quartered if there be treachery there.
Oh, and Lest ye be thought daft, Sir, ye might also want to consider the fact that Captain Mitt stopped bein’ th’ Skipper o’ the Bain in 1999, long before those sinkings occurred, just in case some fact-checkin’ lily-livered bilge-rat should ask.
Lastly, Sir, I shan’t be sendin’ any more dispatches to ye, as I be resignin’ me commission as a spy in yer Majesty’s service. Captain Mitt has made me a better offer – th’ pay be in real doubloons (as opposed to th’ hope and spare change that ye been payin’ us with) and th’ workin’ conditions with Captain Mitt be smooth sailin’. Give my regards to Queen Michelle, and good luck in 2012, Sir. I’m guessin’ ye ‘ll be needin’ it.
Your ex-servant,
Picaroon Rumfustian
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