The Onion: Mitt Romney Apologizes for Helping Sick People

“I don’t know what got into me back then,” Romney said. “Wanting to make sure people were able to have health insurance if they left their job. Providing a federally funded website so individuals could compare the costs of insurance providers. Making certain that somebody who earns less than 150 percent of the poverty level can receive the same health care coverage as me or any government official. All I can say is that I was young and immature, and I am not that person anymore.”

“The only solace I can take is in the hope that some of the folks I helped were terminally ill patients who eventually withered away and died,” Romney added.

“Though Romney has apologized profusely, Beltway insiders said he would need to distance himself from his I-tried-to-help-sick people image. Sources noted that Romney’s current promise to take away health care from anyone who can’t afford it is a step in the right direction, but might not be enough.

“The major strike against Mitt Romney is that he not only tried to help people get medical care, he actually did help people get medical care,” conservative columnist Jonah Goldberg said. “No other Republican in the field has that type of baggage. And in the end, in order to defeat President Obama, the GOP needs someone who has a track record of never wanting to help sick people.”

Thus far, Romney is polling strongly in early primary states like New Hampshire and Iowa, but Republican strategists and voters agree that even in a general election, his sordid past would continue to dog him.

“I don’t think I can vote for someone like that,” Pennsylvania Republican Eric Tolbert said. “He says he’s sorry, but how do I know that’s the real Mitt Romney? What happens if he gets elected and tries to help sick people again?”
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